Mimi strikes gold for Rockstar Writer

Mariah Carey trying to act sane. Sorry, it's not

working. You're on a poster for Glitter.

Thank you, Mariah Carey – for sucking.

Today I took home the win in the Mariah Carey Grammy office pool. I don’t know what’s more pathetic: that people in my office actually like/care about Mariah Carey or that we actually had a Mariah Carey Grammy office pool.

Four of us placed numbers in a hat and whoever picked #1, got to select how many little golden gramophones that Ms. Six Octave could take home out of eight nominations. Whoever selected #2, picked next and so on. The way the numbers drew out, I choose Carey to win three or seven trophies.

I honestly didn’t think she’d win seven – not even that Norah Jones girl won that many statues for being to adult-contemporary pop and jazz as Jesus was to pagans. But the way the numbers drew out, I knew that there was enough industry insiders who made cash off Carey’s Emancipation of Mimi album to give her at least a few awards. I had to pick seven wins merely because she was either going to win a few or win a truckload because Americans love a comeback story and one can’t get more American than Carey’s return from a mental breakdowns, a few shitty albums and an awful acting career (Glitter, anyone?). And besides, the only numbers left when my second turn came around were 1, 7, and 8.

Well, my astute handicapping of the Grammy categories helped me pocket an easy $15. But I also want to thank Kanye West, not for being the most annoying rapper out there, but for creating some competition with the only diva that would/could call her album Emancipation of Mimi. I mean, who the hell is Mimi? One of the many multiple personalities Carey has in that bouffant-sporting noggin of hers?

And I’m sorry, but to associate an album sung by a woman who once requested a red carpet lined by candles before she would step off her private jet with the idea of emancipation is ridiculous and an insult to all those who formed the concept in the first place. Do you think Mimi, er, Mariah was thinking about Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, and Harriet Tubman when asked what she’ll call her album? I think not.

But thanks to Kanye, who at least has something to say, he created enough confusion with Grammy voters, that U2 came out the other end with at least two more awards than they should have received. And thanks to Kanye, I’m three five dollar bills richer. Now, what would happen if I sung that last sentence in six octaves?